Am I retreating back to the person I was in my adolescence?

It seems so. I do not like that person, but I see myself falling back into it. I can not believe that I hate the person I am happiest being. I seem to be happier lately, but I do not like the person I am when I am happy.

I am selfish, I am more confrontational, I am more on edge.

I do not like being like that. Maybe its because at some point myself comes before others for those split seconds. I do not like it, therefore I will not be like that. I am going back to being quiet, not allowing myself to prioritize me, and being calm. 

Suppressing myself seems to be the only way I can attempt to get along (or tolerate) people.

I’m afraid to turn airplane mode off just because I know whats coming when I do.

I think I am a horrible person. I may not be. But I think I am. A perpetual hell where I am unsatisfied with who I am. I don’t like where I stand. I wish those in my life didnt have to endure any thoughts like this.

I have come to a realization.

Things have changed. I have been thrown a curveball and chose to not swing only for the fear of striking out. Even though not swinging will bring an eventual strike out, I have been able to buy myself a little more time. I am already not swinging because I have stopped caring.

If a friend moves on, that leaves you in an awkward place, you must do the same or choose to fight. I fought, and I lost.

Done.

I am done.

Forgotten,neglected, and done.

From being practically brothers to being friends to being barely that at all.

I used to just flat out call myself broken. I now seem to just think I am simply disoriented or something of that sort. While I do believe that I am not worthy of another’s compassion because I am able to give off the the feeling that I am not cold to emotion or feeling. That was something I was able to teach myself throughout life. 

I do not wish to be found or attempt to be happy again. I simply believe that a little sadness leaves the heart and soul somewhat hopeful even if I don’t wish to be that.

I am able to find myself laughing easier and it seems to not be artificial for once. I also find myself being able to finally get mad at things. Even if they are not worth my time to act upon, I am able to see myself feeling that.

I will finish this post later, this is not the time for it.

Edit:

So I am able to write a little more at this moment in time.

Some see as too quiet, and therefore think I must be hiding something. That could not be farther from the truth.

I do not see the fact I am still introverted as a problem. If it does not affect you in a negative way, then I am fine with being this way. Even if it does, I still do not think I can stray away from being like this. There are three events in my life that I can definitely call the reasons as to what caused me to be like this. I try to not let those events bother me these months and years later but its hard.

On a random (well not really) tangent, it is hard watching others live their life and be so happy, content, or even just as most would call normal. I am walking this road daily and know that I am not going to going to be able to get off it anytime soon. I am stuck and hopeless. I have become accustomed to it I am try not to mind but the only thing that in my brain, is that.

I want to take a 12 gauge and kill these thoughts sometimes, but it is not that simple. 

I am not talking about suicide with that last line, do not assume that.

But while on that topic, I don’t get why people say those who take their lives are selfish. If it’s selfish to do it, then wouldn’t it be just as selfish to not help the person who is thinking of it because that person usually is showing signs as to the fact they are in despair. So fuck those people who think suicide is selfish.

Back onto the topic, or random rant I guess.

I find it ironic that I ace all of speech in my public communications class, but absolutely despise talking in front of people. I can not even be in a car with any of my close friends without being silent and just make shit awkward. But somehow I am able to fake a sliver of confidence and talk in front of 40 people. I don’t get it.

Time to go to COMM, maybe edit later.

It hit me, I never cared if I found someone to be with, until the beginning of this year. I dont have to impress anyone. I am fine being Anthony.

I am an introvert and really don’t care. People tend to think I’m weird because I keep to myself or am the quiet one in a group of people who are loud.

I just sit there and stare at my phone most of the time. I am not funny and am fine with being normal and lame. This ‘sadness and hell’ I’ve been going through was given a fake definition by myself so I could try and make a change, when in reality I don’t care and never did.

That’s the story of my life, I care. But will not go and make myself someone I am not, just to do it for the sake of change.

I am fine being alone. I would’ve tried to find someone in the last year or two if I really cared. Human interaction is overrated when you have yourself.

I’m tempted to break. I can feel it pushing through my skin. I want to. I need to.
But I won’t.
I NEED to. Not for anyone elses sake but my own.
I won’t though.
I am not afraid,I will awaken the demon inside then proceed to slay it.
To slay it will be most likely to suppress, knowing me.
But it’s alright.
I don’t mind being this way. I don’t think I’ll ever change. I don’t think.
I don’t know.
The hell I currently live in has awakened the demon. I know it’s name. It’s ruined everything. I will not try to rid that demon because it is another’s source of happiness. But at the expense of my own.

Sitting in a bowling alley on the bench with others while trying to not say something. Holding a 5 inch slab of glass and circuitry that has been a solace.

I will just stay,sitting here. Do not mind me. Nobody does.

I can’t be myself around these people. I’m done here.
I want myself back.
I miss being an introvert and not having to fake being an extrovert.